When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
