It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
