ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
