Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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