i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
