also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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