I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
