Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
