I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
being pregnant is like rehab
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
