I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
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I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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