My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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