I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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