Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
