im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
