Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
