Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
