Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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