friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I didn't notice because vodka
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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