Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
