Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
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I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
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woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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