The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
