I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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