I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
