I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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