...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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