Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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