I'm really into asian looking animals
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
