apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
