I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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