my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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