So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
