I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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