is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
