I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
