My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
