What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
