I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
