Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
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Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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