I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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