I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My feet surprised me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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