I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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