Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
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Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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