God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
