Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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