im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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