I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
