Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
