We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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