he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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