I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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