The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
