He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
