I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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