Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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