Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
