I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
