So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
